he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
