i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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