I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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