So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
