god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
