just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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