My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
There r osticjed everywhere
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
