It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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