Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
