I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
