I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
