my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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