I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
