The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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