He kissed a someone with a penis
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
