i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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