Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
