my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
