Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
