this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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