Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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