moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
