Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
