I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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