Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
