The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
