Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
