i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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