dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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