"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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