I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
