wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
