i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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