everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
