At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
