Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
