I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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