Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
