just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
