I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
