my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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