I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
