Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I could make wine with my vomit
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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