i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
