Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
