Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I got inside last night via doggy door
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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