My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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