But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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