She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
