Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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