Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
