When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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