Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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