I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
