I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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